Losing a loved one is like having a rug swept out from underneath you. No warnings. You make plans for the day, and don’t think twice about how those plans can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I had talked to Cory on the phone a half hour before he died; he phoned to tell me he was on his way to my house from work. I had also spoken to Johnan the night before his death. I never thought much about it myself, until I was faced with the shock, and the truth of both my cousin’s deaths. I don’t think anyone really thinks about tragedy until they are actually faced with it. When someone leaves the earth, does the world cry for them? How do we go on? I tried to think of what to do, how to breathe or eat or sleep, how to get out of bed to go to school or work, how to get through a few minutes without crying. The pain is so vast and so deep that I forgot myself and the world. There is just me and my constant memories of our lives together; with Cory from the time I was 4 years old until 3 months ago, and Johnan from the time I was 9 years old until I was 14. I have to strain to remember a time in my life when Cory or Johnan weren’t there to laugh with me, to bear the tough times with me or to smile with me. Cory died roughly 3 months ago and I have blindly picked up the phone three times already to call him, only to remember that he won’t be answering this time. Cory was my cousin but I always saw him as my little brother even though he treated me like he was my big brother. Cory was the type of person that didn’t care what anyone thought. He loved to take risks and do things to make other people pay attention, if anything at all he loved the attention, he loved to make people laugh. The question I am sitting here trying to answer is ‘you have just lost something very valuable to you in your life, what is it and what will you do about it?’ I lost Cory three months ago, he was very valuable to me to say the least, one of my best friends but mostly a little brother, there wasn’t a day I didn’t see him, because he lived with us, and he was valuable because he was there. There to cheer me up or there to make me laugh, there to take away the awkward moments on Christmas because half my family is tore apart and sitting in another place they might call home, there to wrestle with, to box with, regardless what the situation was you could count on Cory. Whether I was crying about my hair or crying about Johnan, or even just needed help with my truck, he was there. The second part to the question is what am I going to do about it. This isn’t my first rodeo, believe me odds are whatever people have to say to me or whatever advice they have to give me about loss or moving on I’ve been through it so many times, I’ve heard it, I’ve head it all. I have been going through some sort of drama since Johnan died three years ago and I haven’t had a brake since. In short, Johnan died, parents split up, mom left us, I had to mother my siblings because my father was so devastated, I barley know my older siblings anymore, and they don’t know me.